a hotel conference room. a couple of tables laden with bagels, muffins, cut fruit and coffee. a floor covered with round ten-top tables, each place marked with a small sheaf of xeroxed paper. a pitcher of water at the center of each one, orbited by ten glasses each. this can mean only one thing.
corporate meeting time!
this one was better than most i’ve attended, if for no other reason than the coffee was fresh and i arrived actually in time to get a seat. oh, and i stayed awake for this one as well, which is no mean feat. i remember times not-so-glorious when i would have to sit through corporate training sessions, one arm propping up my nodding head while the other arm was steadfastly attached to a large solo cup full of mr pibb and ice. now, i don’t care for the pibb, but somehow the pibb fulfills that necessary caffeine requirement when you desperately need it. and you have to wonder why company training rooms are always placed in the area of the building closest to the hvac unit. this means you have to sit in these long sessions, usually in the dark with an instructor’s screen projected on the far wall, and there is this constant lullaby of a steady hum coming from the next room over. how is anyone supposed to stay awake, much less learn?
so one of the speakers today was a representative from a local bank, a visitor, someone from outside the company to introduce a new benefit and to hand out free items of enticement. today’s items? a plastic clippy thing and a long distance card worth 15 minutes. but the memorably odd thing about her speech was a phrase she employed to describe something as being available to everyone. she said it was “just like a chinese menu” …
just like a chinese menu? this is one of those phrases that will hurt your brain if you consider it too long. this reminds me. comedian lewis black said something in a standup routine a few years ago. he said he was at a diner, just eating lunch, when he overheard a conversation behind him. he didn’t really pick up on anything except the one blaring phrase that threatened his sanity. one girl says to the other: “if it wasn’t for my horse, i would’ve never made it through that year in college.” and this plagued him for days, weeks, months afterwards. how did a horse…? just one year…? did she ride the horse to class…?
so the next time you’re out somewhere, maybe even at a company function, and someone asks you if the seat next to you is taken, just look up at them, smile and say, “it’s just like a chinese menu!”
