Oscar Night.
For some, the biggest television night of the year. For others, just a whole lot of Hollywood nothing. For me and the forces assembling at my house, it is a once-a-year opportunity to rain snark upon the hot-nows and has-beens of moviedom.
Your cast of characters: me, Zip, Nikki, Janice, Emily, Kris, Bill and the cats. Others to follow as they arrive.
Let the snarkstorm begin.
6:48pm - E. - (About SuperStay Lip Color) That’s gonna give you cancer.
6:51pm - T. - What the hell is that thing behind Jada Pinkett?!? Some woman is wearing a fur life jacket. J. - They killed a bear and put it on her arms!
6:56pm - Ryan Seacrest just said this was his first Oscars. No kidding.
6:59pm - N. - I’m sorry, Naomi Watts looks like she shredded an antique wedding gown in order to make a mutant dress. I’m not sure what she paired it with to get this particular result.
7:08pm - N. - Why is Seacrest bashing Michael Moore? Can we be done with that now? Please?
7:10pm - T. - Sandra Bullock looks very tired. And she’s here with Keanu. Odd.
7:36 pm - WTF Garth Brooks montage?
Alyssa has arrived.
8:10pm - Charlize Theron . . . . . apparently using the “one parrot, looking quite cool,” theory, but . . . . a big bow does not a parrot make. Ree-ding-dong-diculous.
Patty is here.
8:25pm - T. - Best Supporting Actor. George Clooney. That’s one I missed.
8:37pm - (Time Delay. Thank you, TIVO.) Visual Effects. King Kong. Got that one.
8:42pm - A. - Oh My God. Y’all. Who the hell attacked Helena Bonnem Carter’s head and stuffed her into that dress??? Holy God, I think she had the old southern lady who did my hair for my eighth grade dance. I cried for an hour after that.
8:48pm - T. - Dolly Parton just finished high-steppin’. And yes, she is the only person who can get away with it on live television before an audience of bajillions.
8:50pm - T. - Best Short. Not the one I picked.
8:53pm - T. - Best Animated Short. Not the one I picked.
Pickens is in the house.
8:57pm - T. - Costume. Geisha. Did I pick that one? Nevermind. Crowe is here. He’ll punch someone.
9:17pm - T. - Best Supporting Actress. Rachel Weisz. Three years. Three pregnant winners.
9:29pm - Ms Theron has a huge fluffy bow on her shoulder. She gets tired, she can just tip over. Penguins win! (Documentary, by the way.) Vive la France!
9:37pm - T. - Bullock is back. Still sleepy. Looks like she’s been sleeping backstage. Presenting Art Direction. Geisha again. Looks like this one might be a bit of an advancing dark horse.
9:46pm - T. - Salma Hayek. Engineered in a lab. Science is good. Time for original score. Itzhak Perlman. Also engineered in a lab.
A different lab.
Brokeback for the win!
10:12pm - A. - Robert Altman’s speech? A lot like his films. Long and slightly unintelligable, with not much point. But still we love him.
10:24pm - Holy Crap. Three-6-Mafia has an Oscar. Awesome … though the glammed-up version performed during the show was really quite crap compared to the barebones original from the film.
10:25pm - A. - And Three-6-Mafia thanked Jesus for their song “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp”. Word.
10:29pm - Sound Editing. Monkey movie wins.
10:40pm - Best Foreign Film. Tsotsi.
10:48pm - Best Actor. Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Hate that Straitharn didn’t win. Guess I have to see Capote now.
10:55pm - N. - Travolta looks like a guido. Cinematography. Geisha again. Damn.
10:58pm - T. - Best Actress. Reese! Sweet. Nice little shoutout to Tennessee, Reese.
11:08pm - T. - Adapted Screenplay. Brokeback. Like it wouldn’t be.
11:12pm - T. - McMurtry thanked the booksellers of the world. Cool.
11:13pm - T. - Original Screenplay. Went to Crash, instead of Good Night.
I’m noticing there is not nearly enough bling and circumstance during the Oscars, so the snark quotient barely matches that of the Grammies.
11:19pm - T. - Director. Ang Lee. Cool. “I wish knew how to quit you.”
11:21pm - T. - Jack’s here. Give it up, suckers. “Best. Mochtion. Pitcher.” Crash! I called that split.
11:25pm - A. - Whoever this chick is who won for Crash - “Oh. My. God. Y’all! I just won an Oscar!!!”