So I was having a perfectly normal and casual chat-thing with the Youth Librarian, when out of nowhere I get an email announcing auditions for an upcoming production of something called Mulan, Jr. Now, I’ve heard of other productions that have been made kid-friendly and given a “Jr.” title like Les Miserables, Jr. or Rent, Jr. and so on. But it blew my mind that the musical adaptation of a cartoon created for children would ever even need to be made especially kid-friendly.
I mentioned this to Youth Librarian. After sharing my confusion over the junior-ization, this is what she said.
Youth Librarian: I mean, I will say, the little girl (who is now 15) that I used to nanny for was terrified of Mulan … the bad guy in it. Like she used to have nightmares of him coming out of the bathroom faucet and demanding she make him a sandwich. Which is awesome.
me: I never saw Mulan. Never has had any appeal to me.
Youth Librarian: It kind of sucks. Not gonna lie.
me: Yeah. Makes me wonder what marketing genius said “This is the next best cartoon in the Disney legacy.” Now, all the other Princesses have to be nice to Mulan, though they have little to talk about.
And from there, through off-hand chats that got more and more bizarre, we proceeded to write what might be the most awesome Disney cross-over movie that Quentin Tarentino will never ever film.
Scene opens on the weekly meeting of the DISNEY PRINCESSES in their fashionably appointed and impeccably furnished penthouse suite. The new girl, MULAN, arrives and the conversation starts.
CINDERELLA: So … what did you do?
MULAN: Um, nothing.
SNOW WHITE: Really? What was it? Glass slipper? Poison apple get you?
MULAN: No. I took my father’s place in battle and fought a war.
CINDERELLA: That’s rather … butch of you don’t you think?
At this point, MULAN remembers what her friends at home advised, cups her hand over her mouth and tries to giggle.
MULAN: Oh. No. Kidding. Hehe…
MULAN hates her honor.
CINDERELLA (to JASMINE): I didn’t think we needed TWO Asians.
ARIEL: Hey, guys, you know I had legs for a bit, right? Two of them!
BELLE (rolling her eyes): I thought it smelled fishy in here … are you going to stop talking now?
ARIEL misses SEBASTIAN. He was grabby, sure, but the conversations were never mean.
At this, AURORA (Sleeping Beauty) cocks her head and asks her favorite question.
AURORA: One more time, which of you tramps were ever actually Princesses?
AURORA’s hit the needle again, obviously.
AURORA: I meant WHITE princesses.
CINDERELLA: Oh, you were princess of one helluva kingdom there, AURORA! The whole place slept for 100 years and nobody gave a damn.
AURORA: Yeah, maybe. But if somebody’s rich-ass daddy hadn’t woken up on the wrong side of a one night stand, maybe somebody wouldn’t’ve had three ugly-ass stepsisters!!
BELLE (playing peacemaker): Girls, girls … there is no need to bring up such unpleasantness, right? We’re all princesses in our hearts, right. Well, all of us, but the fish-girl. She’s an abomination.
CINDERELLA: What’s that, furry!? I couldn’t hear you from all this fur in my ears. Don’t you have a boyfriend that needs a flea-dip or something?
SNOW WHITE: Daaaaaamn. Shheeeee-it, girl, No need to bring the Beast in on this nonsense. Want him to go all Gaston Rage on you?
MULAN: That is IT! I have had it with you guys!
MULAN unleashes sword and decapitates 5 dwarf servants.
SNOW WHITE: What the F*CK, MULAN?!?
FREEZE FRAME. TITLE CRASH. “KILL WALT.”