The Bond Movie I Want To See

This morning, the teaser for Skyfall was posted to Metafilter.

I watched it. Then dove into the comments. Along the way, someone said this.

All of the Bonds in one film? I’d watch that.

That reminded me of something that’s been sitting at the back of my mind for years. I shared this idea with the good folks of Metafilter, and I’ll share it again here. Let it be said and known that today, May 21, 2012, I shared what just might be the very best idea for a Bond film ever.

Let’s go …

I’ve wanted to see this for years. And it could still happen.

A film that establishes what we’ve all known for years: James Bond is an assumed name, a title, a role that is filled time and time again. Like the Dread Pirate Roberts, perhaps, only armed with a Walther PPK. A Bond only remains a Bond until the stress is too much or they’re forced into retirement. The XXXX’d out Bond is given a new name, a new story, a new life. They’re sent to somewhere quiet, perhaps even brainwashed to forget. (Heck, maybe they’re given a number and sent to The Village …)

And the plot just writes itself. Some force of ill will uncovers the truth about the Bonds, attacks the weakest of the retired (let’s just say it’s the Lazenby Bond, as he’s mostly doing the ‘Con circuit these days and would work best as a pre-credit cameo), and presents some kind of Massive Global Threat that derives its origin from pieces of plot device from all of the Bond films going back to Dr No.

The only way to stop him is to trace back through secrets held back by all of the other previous Bonds, so they’re all reactivated. In reverse order. Each one in a different exotic or horribly mundane location. Craig is in prison undercover and incommunicado initially, Brosnan is posing as a restaurateur in Monaco, Dalton is conducting an orchestra in Calgary, Moore is bearded, wearing mirror shades and destroying wanna-bes in the World Series of Poker in Vegas … and then we find Connery, polishing the bar at a pub in Edinburgh. He’s the one that won’t go without convincing, naturally.

And they’re all tracked down by an MI6 operative, one of the two entrusted with the secret, but kept most of his days behind a desk. Highly trained, but untested.

Let’s say that this guy is played by … Idris Elba.

What you end up with is something like The Five Doctors, only with a massive budget, huge explosions, cracking dialogue and a badass film score.

There it is.  Now tell me that wouldn’t be awesome.

I dare you.

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