This week, Governor Sonny Perdue appeared before the Georgia Assembly and delivered his 2007 State of the State. But what is the state of our state? Let’s read along and learn together, shall we?

To understand the State of the State, we must not simply look at Georgia as a snapshot. Georgia is a changing, dynamic action video that is moving at the speed of a NASCAR race.

Rusty has already blinked in awe at this statement, but I’m disturbed further by the way he refers to the state as an “action video,” rather than something more substantial. Action movie, perhaps? Thriller? But video? Like America’s Funniest, I guess.

And correct me if you wish, but if something is changing, must it also be dynamic in order to actually change? If I were Governor Perdue, it is at this point during an earlier practice read that I would’ve had this speechwriter fired, etherized and left naked on a picnic table at an I-75 rest area, preferrably around Exit 179.

If Georgia were a stand alone country, we would have the 17th largest economy in the world.

Right between The Netherlands and Belgium.

We have begun well. But it’s only a beginning.

Isn’t it always? Maybe we’re in Wonderland. “Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.”

But the best thing about the future, as Yogi would say, is that it’s all ahead of us.

Yogi Berra is always the go-to quotesmith for the serious-minded governor. What’s the humor count at this point? Three yucks? Maybe four? Again, if this speechwriter is still pulling down a paycheck, then somebody needs to find him and ask him just what kind of leverage he has. Only a file folder full of particularly interesting Polaroids would provide job security with skills like we’re seeing here.

Yes, we serve the people to the best of our abilities. We act as an umbrella during the downpours of life.

Damn. Taken literally, Mark Taylor would’ve been one hell of an umbrella. Cathy Cox? Not so much. But this doesn’t even mean anything. Our elected officials are employed as advocates for the people, giving voice to our concerns and representing our interests. They are not there to stand in harm’s way or to shield our little eyes from naughtiness.

Just like any good football team that’s building a winning program – we’ve spent the last four years working on our fundamentals, our blocking and tackling and special teams.

And the sports analogies just keep right on coming. Just what constitutes our blocking and tackling, I wonder?

We’ve made great strides, but we can – and will – do even more – through passionate, progressive, principled leadership that uses facts – not fantasy – as the basis for decision making.

Alliteration is so pretty, isn’t it? And isn’t it fortunate that we’ve already such wildly passionate leadership in the Georgia Assembly?

And we’ll be using facts this year, not fantasy. Facts are the new hotness. Fantasy? Old and busted. Of course, this might just mean that assemblymen will have to write their Harry Potter fanfiction at home instead of in chamber.

That’s why I am proposing a $19 million investment for an initiative we call Go Fish Georgia.

“Got any 7s?”
“Nope. Go Fish, Georgia.”

I’m reminded of a story about a little boy who was trying hard to dress himself. After a struggle, he marched into the kitchen and said, “Look Mom, I put my pants on all by myself.”

“That’s great,” she replied, “But you put them on backwards.”

Frustrated, he grabbed the top of his pants and tried to twist them around, asking, “Are they okay now?”

“No,” his mother said. “You’ll have to take them off and put them on the right way.”

Um. Really, would you employ any speechwriter who compared the state of our state’s healthcare system to an inevitably pantsless little boy? Honestly? I’m starting to think that the Exit 179 treatment is too good for this fellow.

And don’t tell me that Sonny wrote this by himself. Sonny didn’t.

That’s why we put $10 million in the Georgia Research Alliance to support vaccine-based antiviral life science research in this growing industry.

If you’re keeping track, that’s $19,000,000 for fishin’ … $10,000,000 for potentially life-saving vaccines.

From this point, we hit many other high points, including continuing benefits for teachers, continuing support for Peachcare and a promise to keep Georgia’s teachers among the highest paid in the Southeast (though most teachers could probably make more money working as a full-time barrista).

Right before the close, Coach Sonny gives us one more swat with the baseball bat of inspiration …

We will lead boldly, we will work tirelessly and we will serve the people of this state with every ounce of brains and sweat we can muster.

BRAINS! BRAINS! We’ll start measuring the brains of our elected representatives on a yearly basis. If their cerebellums have increased in volume, then we will know for certain that they’ve done their very best.

I’m sure that others could plow this fertile field of platitudes for another dozen or so chunks of quality. As for me, I cannot go on. Time is better spent figuring just what is going to pass for fact in the 2007 legislative session.

And if Sonny didn’t write all these words alone, then who did? Well, if nothing has changed since 2004, Sonny’s speeches are still penned by his Senior Speechwriter, Dan McGirt. I can find nothing of substance about the man, but my hope is that his high school nickname was something like “The Dirt.” That would’ve been so awesome.

Say it with me. Dan … “The Dirt” … McGirt.

Hell, yeah.